Over and Over Again

Starting Over Again

1 Timothy 1:14 "The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost."

Titus 3:5 "He saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit."

Romans 6:23 "For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 10:9-10 "Because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved."

Romans 5:8 "But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

2 Timothy 1:9 "Who saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works but because of his own purpose and grace, which he gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages began..."

Not Once, Not Twice

Not Once, Not Twice

This is my life

This is my story

Of making things right

I am a sinner

I sin all the time

I get God does not like it

I know it's not always fine

The thing about me

People don't understand

Is that I fall from grace

Over and Over again

I become so ashamed

Of the person I am

that I hide it from others

Family and friends

And it gets worse

I don't just hide it from them

I bottle it all up

As I drift slowly from God

Yes, I drift slowly away

from the Lord who knows all

"What is wrong with me?"

To myself I ask

"Why can't I ever

Just stay on the right path?"

But to hide from yourself

To drift slowly away

And to bottle things up

Just makes the pain stay

The spirit inside me

Screams to be heard

"Just follow my lead

And just take a turn."

It reminds me when

I'm doing it wrong

It tells me...

"Cora, hiding from sin

just makes sin prolong."

I stopped writing

and praying this time

Because shame claimed my soul

But God still lives inside me

and he wants me to know

Not once, not twice

but over and over again

God still seems to save me

to save me from sin

to save me from lies

that the devil can win

to say to me "Cora,

Through me you can live"

So though I'm ashamed

And though I hid for so long

I'm giving it all

To the God who knows all

For the past year, I stopped writing devotionals. I did this because I became so depressed and I began to sin. And I thought, "How can someone as messed up as you, someone who can't even remember to go to church every Sunday like their suppose too, How can you write out through the spirit anything if you are so imperfect?" 'No one will believe what you say, if you can't get it right?" So much was wrong with me, and it all just built up inside, shame just overtook me.

The thing about shame is that it is like a death eating parasite. It separates you from truth. It separates you from others, it separates you from God, The spirit, Jesus, it even separates you from who you truly are. Shame brings on fear and it can turns you away from God, by lying to you. Shame tells you that you are not enough and it makes you feel awful and not even yourself. Then shame turns into hiding away and keeping everything in, which makes you afraid to tell anyone the truth.

For me my shame was so intense I was afraid to even ask God for forgiveness. What bothers me the most is that I find myself in life, going back and forth. Sometimes I am doing so well, and then sometimes I just fail. Failing just leaves me discouraged, and failing makes me so mad, but being so far from God, only makes me more sad.

"I don't know what your life is like, or your story, but I want you to see, that though I'm a mess, God really does mean everything to me. And I love that he's in me, and I love to write about him. He is so much bigger than any amount of sin. I am grateful he saves me. He opens my eyes, that the devil wants shame to ruin our life. I believe it's okay to give up and let God do what he does so well, which is love you for you, and that makes his love, REAL."

Prayer For Today

God, who art in Heaven, Holy be your name, may your kingdom come and work be done, on earth as it is in heaven,

Lord thank you. Thank you for loving me. I may be a mess, but you are greater than any. You are the only perfect and flawless God and you sent me your son, to show me your kindness and your love for me. Although you have great things in store for me, and a master plan, even when I make mistakes you still forgive all my sin. This love you give is unlike any and only someone as holy as you could ever love me like you do. Help me to get back up again and just keep trying. You know my heart and what it truly longs for, which is for Jesus to come back and for us all to be together in you forever."

In Jesus Christ's Holy Name I Pray,

Amen.